


Crazy, Stupid, Potions

by halfnote



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery, Hogwarts Mystery
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, Funny, I Will Go Down With This Ship, MC is oblivious, Mutual Pining, Penny is a hufferin/slytherpoff, Penny is a mad scientist, Potions, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-08-25 14:52:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16662909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfnote/pseuds/halfnote
Summary: Penny is practicing for the upcoming Wizarding Schools Potions Championship and she needs test subjects. One would say, that’s what friends are for, right? Right?!





	1. Potion 1: of test subjects and blind experiments

“I need your help.” Penny shows breathless by your house table one evening. Strings of hair out of her seemingly perfect braid and feverish eyes, it looks to you as if she hadn’t been able to sleep for days.

It strikes you as odd. Usually, it is you asking Penny for help and not the other way around.

“Sure, Pen. What can I do for you?” after all of your adventures together, how could you refuse?

She pauses for a second as she bites unto her lower lip, a habit. You recognize her hesitance instantly as a red flag for you.

“Penny?”

“Ineedyoutobemytestsubject,” she speaks so fast you can barely recognize as words the fumbles that come out of her mouth.

“What?”

She heaves a deep calming breath, “I need you to be…” you recognize a blush raising up her cheeks. The words that follow you don’t get to listen as she finishes on a whisper.

“Penny, I didn’t hear you.” You are dumbfounded. It is unlike Penny to be shy around you.

“I NEED YOU TO BE MY TEST SUBJECT!” she shouts suddenly, scaring a couple of first year slytherins away a couple of meters from you, a mess of turkey sandwiches left on the floor. She tries to regain her composure with a cough after that.

“I thought Tonks is your test subject,” you blurt out.

You don’t give her question a proper ponder. For the longest of times you can remember, it is Tonks Penny uses to test her weird potions on. You can still remember that one time Tonks wore troll like hair for days after drinking Penny’s Hair Raising potion. Despite being a metamorphmagus, she had claimed liking the look enough to keep it for a couple of days.

“About that, she might find herself unwilling for the meantime.” Penny avoids your eyes sheepishly, a rosy color still present on her cheeks.

“Unwilling?”

There would be a long list of adjectives that you’d use to describe Tonks as: unique, oblivious, wild, clumsy, irrational, noble, determined, loyal, brave, talented, friendly, chivalrous, generous…. not ‘unwilling.’

There is silence and you rise your eyebrows at her for an explanation. Penny sighs.

“The baldness inducing potion might’ve had a weird effect on metamorphmagus, it seems.” She confesses while rubbing her chin with her index and thumb absentmindedly beside you. There are times when you can’t tell just how legitimately remorseful she feels whenever any of her potions go wrong.

“Oh! I thought the eyebrowless look was a dare or a bet lost to Tulip.”

You can’t help but snigger, to be honest. Tonks had been rocking no eyebrows for more than a week now, and the lot of you had made a game out of drawing weird eyebrow shapes on her whenever you found her snoozing in class or in the library.

“I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but she is also wearing an enchanted wig. She says it’s not a big deal and that’ll grow, but I’m feeling kind of guilty, right now.”

So much for not telling anyone, you think but smile sympathetically at Penny, nevertheless. She sounds remorseful enough to you. You start to feel bad for Tonks as well, but you find it hard to push away the hilarious image of a bald eyebrowless Tonks. You are sure the situation probably amused her too.

“Don’t fret too much about it, if she says it’s fine.” You side hug her, “I’m willing to help you, alright, master potionist, just don’t expect me to drink anything that’ll affect my hair.”

“Deal?” you offer her your outstretched hand.

“Deal.”

Penny's hand is warm while she is beaming at you. Your stomach does a weird flip. Maybe, it is the turkey sandwiches you ate earlier.

“I think you are supposed to let go of my hand,” she points out to you.

“Oh right!” You both let go of each other hastily. You feel your own cheeks grow hotter by the minute.

“Anyway, I’ll meet you later or owl you, or something…”

She gives her back to you before bumping into a short first year. You giggle to yourself as you watch her retreating figure disappear behind the doors of the Great Hall.

You didn’t know then, but that would be the start of yet another bunch of amusing stories.

“Your smile is gross, stop it.” You jump startled in place. You hadn’t noticed your nemesis siting in such a close proximity to you.

“Sod off, Merula.”

* * *

  
A couple of days pass before you hear back from Penny. If anything, she had been so busy you hardly got more than a word or two out of her whenever you saw her in class or running down the corridors. Prefect duties and Quidditch, however, proved a valid distraction meanwhile.

“Oh, there you are!” Rowan runs to you chastising a group of second years Hufflepuff.

They had set up a trail of dungbombs outside of Filch’s office, under your suspicion of working for a certain older student.

“Just don’t go around pranking Filch again lads, I don’t like deducting House Points,” you use your serious voice, much to your embarrassment. Rowan snickers beside you as you wave goodbye.

“We’ll try, Hero of Hogwarts!” The shortest of them shouts at you before they disappear by the end of the hall running off from the scene.

You have no idea what Bea Haywood might have told the younger Hufflepuff house, but many first and second years had taken a liking to calling you ‘Hero of Hogwarts’ and, much to your charging, not taking your disciplining seriously.

“I still can’t believe you are hypocritical enough to reprimand students.”

“Bugger off, Rowan, at least I’m trying.” it is true, but it still stings your pride.

You know Dumbledore probably picked you on an effort to follow your steps closely and keep you away from trouble rather than merits. From all the rule breaking you have done it hardly felt a deserved title despite your academic achievements.

“Sorry mate, I didn’t mean to upset you.” They sound genuinely apologetic so you instantly let go.

“S'ok. But don’t think I’ll be helping you with the DADA paper after this.”

Rowan rolls their eyes, “wouldn’t think of it. Believe me. Your handwriting looks like acromantula legs, anyway.”

You roll your eyes at them.

It rather bugs you how prefect duties had become a somewhat awkward topic between the two of you, so you try your best to put it on the back of your head whenever it is brought up. You aren’t even particularly invested on the title or duties, except, for using the Prefect’s bathroom.

“Oh right!” they add suddenly, “Penny asked me to tell you to meet her in the dungeons.”

You perk up at the mention of her name, “Finally!”

The pit of your stomach does an excited flip-flop. Of course, you would feel excited. You are helping one of your dearest friends and probably enjoy a laugh while you go at it.

“Is she helping you with your DADA paper? Why do you look so happy all of a sudden?”

You give Rowan a nonchalant shrug. You are not sure how much of a secret helping Penny prepare for the championship could be.

“Guess I’ll have to find out!” You rearrange your leather bag into your shoulder once more before taking off in direction of the dungeon leaving a dumbfounded Rowan with their hands over their hips.

.

.

.

You open the heavy door to the dungeon. The smell of powder and burnt wood make their way into your nostrils instantly. It would be an unusual meeting place for anyone, the dungeons, but not for Penny, who you find behind a cauldron and a column of purple smoke.

“‘ello Penny, heard you were looking for me?”

Your friend doesn’t look up in the slightest. You shuffle the sole of your boots against the soot of the floor as you near her concerted figure. You feel the warmth of the cauldron working its way into your robes. You have always enjoyed that feeling, perhaps the only feeling you enjoy when it comes to this particular chamber and its grumpy professor.

“What you looking at so intently? Didn’t know watching water boil could be so entertaining. I should’ve brought some cauldron cakes with me.”

Penny jumps beside you startled as you flash her a smile.

“For Merlin’s beard, you surprised me.” She finally looks up from the boiling liquid inside the cauldron giving you an image of her face for the first time in days.

She smiles at you good naturally, the same way she always does. A pair of rectangle glasses, almost falling by the tip of her nose, distracted from the dark circles surrounding her eyes. She must have been working so hard she had probably forgotten to take care of her appearance with a pinch of magic or two.

“You look marvelous.”

It is meant as sarcasm but Penny is staring at you with eyes the size of saucers. Usual Penny would answer you with a snide remark of her own, but it occurs to you she feels so tired the sarcasm went right over her head. A sudden burst of hotness explodes in your ears.

“I didn’t mean,” you interrupt yourself dumbly, “you look tired, not that you aren’t marvelous, mind you. Nice glasses by the way.” You say it so fast you are afraid Penny doesn’t understand you, you add the last as an afterthought as an attempt to draw attention from your idiocy.

“Oh!” a light blush graces her cheeks, you aren’t sure if it could be attributed to the heat emanating from the cauldron or not. You feel like blaming it for your own red ears as well.

“I used to wear glasses, not anymore, well, only sometimes when my eyesight gets tired.” She makes a motion to take them off her face but you stop her hand with yours.

“They look good on you.”

Penny opens her mouth like a fish out of water before the shrill sound of a bell interrupts you. Both of you jump away suddenly. You retrieve your hand from her awkwardly.

“The potion is ready. I set a timer for it.” She isn’t looking at you anymore. The fire under the cauldron evaporates with a wave of her wand. Penny reassembles a couple of stranded hair behind her ear.

“Well this is the first potion, you can still back out if you want to. I could always ask –“

You interrupt her, the idea of her asking someone else suddenly sounds preposterous to you, “I’m glad to be of help. That’s what friends are for, right?”

Your words kind of die on the end of your tongue but the words make it unscratched. Penny gives you a blank look before nodding. You see her shake her head before meeting you with a smile.

“Of course!” she claps her hands together, she is beaming now, her smile is so tight it makes you wonder if the side of her mouth could be hurting her.

Somehow, you get the feeling that had been the wrong thing to say…

“You know, it just occurred to me, we could do a blind experiment.”

You meet her with a blank expression of your own. You have no idea what she could be talking about.

“A blind experiment is a study where the information is kept from the participant.”

“Meaning?” Dread, a very well known sentiment to you, starts to form in the pit of your stomach.

“I’m not telling you what potion you are trying. It’s a common muggle study, so why not.” She smiles at you again, sweetly. A shudder runs down your spine. You can’t help but think there’s suddenly a sinister glint in her eyes.

“We are wizards.” You try to reason with her. Suddenly, helping doesn’t sound as exciting as it sounded some minutes ago. A hundred ways this study could go awry suddenly flash before your eyes.

“Wizards can learn things from muggles, don’t you think? My dad is a muggle.”

“Of course, Freddie Mercury is a muggle too, muggles rock.”

Myron had introduced Queen to you a couple of years ago, back in the day when you’d occasionally assist the Weird Sisters Hogwarts concerts. You smile at the mention of it, you had heard from Bill they were starting to make a name for themselves on the Wizarding Wireless Network.

“Perfect. I’m glad you agree.”

You can’t help but feel as if Penny Haywoord had just played you but you can’t quite put a finger on how. She surely is an accomplished witch for more things than potions.

“Now if you excuse me, I have work to do. You just wait to be poisoned.” She guides you slowly towards the door of the dungeon, a hand on your back, a sensation you can’t get to enjoy as adrenaline pumps through your veins.

“Poisoned?!”

“I said tested.” She shoves you out the door.

“No, you didn’t.” You insist.

“Yes, I did. Have a good day.” Penny Haywood pecks you on the cheek before closing the door to the dungeon with a light thud.

You heart feels like galloping hippogriffs. Penny Haywood could be hella scary if she wanted to.


	2. Potion 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plagued with nightmares you end up negotiating for highly questionable goods outside of Hogwart’s jurisdiction, inside a highly questionable establishment.

It became difficult for you to sleep after your meeting with Penny in the dungeon. Starting from that day the recurrent nightmare of your suddenly balding head terrorized you. Same nightmare that woke you up in the middle of the night in cold sweat speaking gibberish.  Vision, you could manage but recurrent nightmares are unmarked territory. Nevertheless, days went by with no clue from Penny of when the whole trial period would start, which only made your already sleep deprived self highly anxious.

“Merlin, you look like dragon dung.”

“Thanks Jae, does the sincere praise come with a price tag as well?” you don’t have enough energy to frown at your friend’s remark. It is probably not far from the truth, anyway.

“Nah, it’s free of charge, friendship bonus.” He tips his butterbeer filled cup on your direction before taking a sip. You make a bemused face.

You had asked Jae to meet you in Hog’s Head. You had asked Professor Flitwick about this place before. He advised you to bring your own cup with you. He claimed its insalubrity is common knowledge in Hogsmade’s community. Notion you confirmed the moment you stepped a foot inside. Its owner, an old man with a long beard, cleaning a cup with a dirty rag, only making it dirtier.

“I’m not very sure you should be drinking that, Jae.” You warn as you sit on the chair in front of your friend. Your trip to the inn had you winded.

“It’s just butterbeer, mate.” He answers good-naturally before taking another generous sip. You shake your head and hope he does not end in the hospital wing. You feel too tired to attempt an explanation.

After the third night in a row with very little sleep, you are desperate for help. Your Hogwart’s Quidditch Derby match is around the corner and you looked worse than a dragon dung. Usually, you would not hesitate to ask Penny as well, but considering the state of affairs, you could not risk having Penny think you weren’t more than willing to be part of her schemes. After everything she had done for you, after the Beatrice ordeal…you will not back out.  Which brings you here, negotiating for highly questionable goods outside of Hogwart’s jurisdiction, inside a highly questionable establishment.

“Did you bring it then?” you look to your side and behind you.

You had decided to wear a black cloak over your clothes and face. Nobody would think much of Jae talking to a weird cloaked stranger on Hogsmade but all kinds of gossip could flourish from you and Jae meeting on Hogsmade by yourselves. Gossip you would rather avoid.

“Ah,” he sighs, “that depends.”  Jae put both of his elbows over the table, intertwining his fingers before positioning his head over them.

“Jae, cut the crap.”

If Jae wants to negotiate it is fine by you. He doesn’t have to use his newspeak with you.

”An extra galleon for the info.” He is smiling at you as you hand him the extra galleon. His slanted eyes are difficult to decipher whenever he smiles. It irks you. This is precious time you could be using sleeping.

“Penny Haywood paid me not to sell you stuff, she sounded quite distressed so I had to comply,” he shrugs before taking another sip of his now half-finished flask.

You give Jae a dumbstruck look. Why? Why would Penny do something like that? Wasn’t she taking it too seriously? How would she know that you would go straight to Jae if anything came up? What if she had spiked your pumpkin juice earlier on the week and had you drink a nightmare-inducing potion?

“Are you alright? You are suddenly looking worse than a dragon dung, mate.”

You feel like puking for sure. You try to take a couple of calming breaths. You are on board with this. Maybe if you relaxed a little, it wouldn’t be so bad. Didn’t you trust Penny? But, what about your Quidditch game! Cold sweat runs down your forehead.

“Hey, relax, I’ve got it with me, okay? Whatever Penny doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt her. Everyone is betting on your performance. And by everyone I also mean, me.” The wave of relief that sweeps you is so powerful you end up hugging Jae across the table.

“Thank you, Jae! I knew I could count on you mate,” you let go rapidly to adjust your excuse of a robe to cover your face again. It had fallen out of place with the sudden movement.

“Here,” he hands you a miniscule translucent bottle into your sweating palm, “just drink a couple of drops of these before bed with water and you’ll sleep like a baby.”

You take the bottle between your index and thumb fingers.

“What is this anyway?” You want to trust Jae, but the small bottle is not bigger than a galleon and probably accounted for a barely a couple of drops.

“A muggle concoction, I believe they call it medicine.” Jae rubs his chin.

You have heard of that word before from Ben. Maybe, he drinks some of this too before sleeping; maybe you could ask him about it as well.

“It should be safe for wizards if they drink it, probably.”

You don’t really listen to what Jae says next as you make your way towards the exit. You are so excited you even forget to bid Jae goodbye.

“What are you doing here, hero of nothing?” you stumble upon Merula on your way out of the pub.

On any normal day you would question the annoying with yourself but right now, you feel way too eager for a deep round of sleep that you decide to ignore her taunting.

“Sod off, Merula.” You whisper peacefully before continuing your merry way towards the castle.

“Hey, stop smiling like that!” you hear in the distance.

.

.

.

 Inside the pub, two figures.

“Just remember to use a couple of drops!” Jae shouts to a skipping figure before the loud sound of the closing door interrupts him.

“Did they hear?” asked a cloaked figure that had suddenly stood up from its place a couple of stools from theirs.

“I’m not too sure, should I be worried? Maybe I should check on them?”

Jae doesn’t know what to do of this situation. Today had been quite a profitable day, despite all the cajoling and lies involved, even for someone like him.

He feels a warm hand over his shoulder, “don’t worry Jae, they’ll be alright. Do you trust me?”

Jae lets out a sigh he does not know he had been holding and relaxes instantly, of course, how could he not trust the one and only, Penny Haywood?

“You are right, Penny. My bad. I hope your dad doesn’t miss muggle medicine, though.”

When Penny had come to ask him for information, as she usually did, he had made the offhanded comment that a certain Quidditch Captain had been having trouble sleeping and came to him for a non-wizard remedy.  Penny, being the nice person she is, promised to find him a muggle medicine but only if he promised to tell them she had paid him not to give them stuff. Jae thought it was a weird request, but decided to go along. Jae had a made a bet with Diego Caplan about the Quidditch Derby that he is not willing to lose. 

“My dad? Oh, right, his medicine. He was glad for being of help!”

Jae supposes being helpful is a Haywood gene.

 “You said they’ll sleep like a baby, right?”

“More like a baby dragon.”

Penny giggles at her joke and Jae smiles. He had that bet in the bag.

* * *

 

A clean set of pajamas. Set.

A glass of water. Set.

A deserted dormitory, characteristic of a Saturday afternoon. Set.

How many drops did Jae say again? How much drops could a couple be? You stare at the small bottle again. You just wanted a good and long night of sleep, for Merlin’s sake. You pour most of the bottle into the glass of water. It is muggle, what could go wrong with it? You shrug before drinking it down in one chug.  It had no distinctive taste whatsoever, which is always good.

You do not feel any different. How long could the medicine take to work? Sure, your eyelids felt heavy but you had been feeling that way since the morning…

* * *

 

A particularly loud thud sound distracts Rowan Khanna from their afternoon reading in the common room. Knowing their roommates it was probably a game of exploding snap, even if it is a tad bit too early for such games. Rowan was under the impression that they had gone to Hogsmade that day, unlike them who had decided to stay back and finish the aforementioned parchment for their DADA class. Now, not only had they not told Rowan they had skipped Hogsmade altogether, they also decided not to ask them to join their game. They would have refused kindly, of course, but they should have asked them out of courtesy. Feeling a bit hurt, Rowan returns to their lecture. They will finish the parchment today, and not allow a single peek.

* * *

 

“Everyone return, they are waking up!”

You hear a distant voice in the horizon. Your eyelids feel like lead, as you feel all of your extremities start to tingle.

“Thank Merlin! Tomorrow is the Quidditch Derby, do you think they’ll be able to play?”

“Is Quidditch the only thing your thick heads can think about?”

“I also think about dragons.”

“And bowtruckle, don’t forget bowtruckles, and hippogriffs, and nifflers, and phoenixes—“

“Shhhh, everyone, they are trying to speak!”

 “Whegarme…” you do not understand what you said as you move your mouth slowly.

“The hospital wing, I found you flat on your face three days ago, with a broken nose over a puddle of blood.” Rowan answers straight-faced as they push their glasses up the bridge of their nose.

You can see their figure swarmed around you over your blurry vision. One of your hands shots up to your nose instinctively. It feels intact. The last thing you remember is drinking that muggle medicine. Wait…three days ago?!

“Good news: Despite breaking your nose, Madam Pompfrey gave you skele-grow and it looks like new! Bad news: You did not hand in your DADA parchment and you have detention.” You recognize Charlie’s voice next. You finally manage to sit upright and see the crowd around you for the first time since waking up.

Around you, Rowan, Ben, Charlie and Barnaby.

“We all thought it was the vaults all over again, we are very glad you are awake. No one could figure out why you wouldn’t wake up. Madam Pomfrey was very hesitant to try anything on you without knowing what had caused this.” Ben said with genuine concern.

“Penny and Jae have been visiting you every day as well. They’ve been both very worried about what happened to you. Penny, we can all understand. But Jae beats me.” Rowan adds while looking at you with a hint of suspicion on their eyes, which you avoid masterfully.

“Jae bet we’d win the Quidditch Derby, he was probably worried about his galleons.” You say with a chuckle which quickly turns into a coughing fit. Your throat feels unusually dry.

 “Jae might have a shady reputation but he is a good bloke,” Barnaby defended.

“That explains it, I guess.” Rowan does not look convinced but drops the meddling, surely postponing your interrogation.

“Should we tell them?” Ben throws the question to the air and you see your four friends exchange looks between them.

“Tell me what?” You ask after taking a sip from a glass of water on your bedside. You do feel rested, but blacking out for three days had its drawbacks.

“About how you woke up!” Barnaby hoots beside you, Charlie shares a snicker to his side.

“It is probably best if Penny tells them.” Rowan prods, always the voice of reason.

“To be honest, I was very skeptical about reproducing the Sleeping Beauty.” Ben chips in.

“Sleeping what?” Barnaby, Charlie and you ask in unison.

“Enough of you children, this is way too much noise, out of here! Now!” Madam Pomfrey reprimands your friends and walks them out of the infirmary, not before hearing one of them shout.

“Ask Penny about it, mate!”

Probably Charlie or Barnaby. There was way too much noise for you to recognize. Were they making weird noises with their mouths? You rest against your pillow again, this is also your favorite bed in the infirmary, what luck.

“And _you_ , what scare! You and Miss Haywood!” She shakes her head at you before giving you her back. She looks grumpier than usual for some reason. And why mention Penny?

She stops mid retreat to pat your head.

“Now, if only you win the Quidditch Derby, tomorrow. I might forgive you. I can’t lose a bet!” She says before closing the curtains to your resting spot.

You stare into the white ceiling of the hospital wing feeling quite wore out still. What had happened to you. You have no idea. One thing is certain; however, Penny Haywood true to her word had something to do with it.  But, it is all good in your book. You feel rested enough for your Quidditch match and that is all that matters to you. Perhaps, being a test subject wasn’t so bad if you leave your life in the hands of the one and only Penny Haywood. With that thought in mind you drift again into a peaceful dreamless sleep.

.

.

.

Outside the hospital wing.

“Boys!” (1)

A group of friends drops dead on their tracks from their merry walk towards the Great Hall. The voice that had called them made a shudder run down their spine.

A loud gulp.

“Yes, Penny?” Ben answers first.

“Did you tell them _anything_?” Hearing Penny Haywood speak so menacingly could make even the biggest and loudest of men shudder.

A round of gulps.

“We didn’t.” Rowan tries to cover up but is interrupted.

“Ben mentioned the Sleeping Bowtruckle!” Barnaby points to the sandy haired male. Ben blanches instantly at the mention.

“Bowtruckle? Didn’t he say—

A red, cauldron faced, Penny Haywood interrupts the redhead, “Not a single word about what happened today in the hospital wing will exit any of your mouths, capicchi?”

“You know I can make it happen even if you don’t agree.”

“No, no, Penny, we all agree. Don’t we, mates?” Rowan puts themselves between their friends and a ominous looking Penny.

All three boys nod in unison.

“Perfect, I’m glad we all agree. You are marvelous. Have a nice day. I’ll see you tomorrow in the Quidditch Derby, okay?”

She waves goodbye good naturally, as usual, making them doubt if what they had just witnessed could be part of an illusion or not.

“I have not felt this scared since the time we saw that You-Know-Who’s boggart.” Said Ben.

“I didn’t know she could speak Spanish.” Said Barnaby.

“Barnaby, it’s not Spanish and you did not even see You-Know-Who’s boggart Ben, ah nevermind, I’m even starting to doubt my sanity.”

“Do you think Penny might like Jacob’s Sibling?” asked Charlie to which Rowan simply face-palmed.

“Why do I even bother?” They said before following the faraway looking figure of Penny Haywood into the Great Hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rowan doesn't necessarily identify as a boy. This is Penny using the term boy cause of the people involved (and made a ruckus) were dudes. Just wanted to clarify, that this author supports choose your gender Rowan.

**Author's Note:**

> Perhaps not the update everyone expected or wanted. But I’m sure you all needed. Fluff, a bit of humor. Penny being a Slytherpuff/Hufferin headcanon accepted. I hope you can find it in you to forgive me. Still writing Fat Lady, it just takes more time.


End file.
